discernment

as a projector, discernment has been a huge teacher. as a 6/2 i learn the hard way…i really do. so at 47 1/2 (i am returning to half ages…) i am finally getting how crucial associations are. they say something about who “you” are. and i used to not feel that way. i’d let just about anyone in my life and my being. my philosophy, if you’d call it that, was…”all anyone needs is a little love and understanding”. and they do, true. but not everyone is intended for you. they aren’t. and it’s good to know the difference. maybe they’re intended for someone else. maybe the timing if off or has changed. it’s okay. you can release them and not feel bad. 

not feel bad. oh yes. easier said than done. when you do become more discerning…and you make changes…you can be given a hard time: from others and yourself. being humble about these choices can help. humble. it’s simply realizing that you resonate certain ways. and turnabout is fair play. as you do this, so too will others. let it be. if there are reasons to explain or have explained to you, chances are there will be the opportunities to do so. i am now paying attention to this more: there are some opportunities i have ignored…some that have not come (that my mind wish would)…and some that occur that are both terrifying and gratifying, but afterward, are so worth it.

discernment has uncluttered my life. it has pointed me in a new north. it’s refinement. oh, and it’s quieter, too! yeah, the path of discernment means there can be bodies left behind. not altogether comfortable for this non-emotional being who is still learning that confrontation can open new doors or shut them. but either way, knowing the truth is better than staying in the gray zone. it comes with the territory. discernment can end a connection or strengthen it. and that doesn’t even mean forever. it just means for however long it needs to be. there is peace in accepting that.

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How I met HD…December 07

It was another major fight with my sister, whom I dearly love. But when we got on the other side of each other  - whew – it could get intense. And the truth was, it just felt like a misunderstanding. Both of us misunderstanding the other. It was so disheartening. Everytime. It’s a worldwide dilemma: misunderstanding. At one point during the argument, I looked across the room and thought, “my God, she does not know me at all”. I was just shocked into that realization. It was a moment that stood still – as if to say, “pay attention to this”. And I did. 

I was staying with her at the time, and after the argument, I knew that come what may, I couldn’t any longer. Even though I was financially vulnerable, I had to go…for me and for her. I had to understand why I felt so misunderstood. 

Taking leaps are scary…but man when you know you should, you just have to trust. I lept and where I landed was so gracious to me. Almost as if it was waiting for me. A wonderful couple with a small child was renting their studio apartment – and I saw it on craigslist. Immediately I was like – “that’s the one”! And I got it with little to no fuss. Given that my credit is currently rocky, I felt incredibly fortunate. Not only did I get the studio, the couple asked me to house sit for them for a half month before I moved in. It was truly a heaven sent invitation. And I didn’t even know yet…

Once in their home, while they were away, I was talking to a dear friend of mine – ex-boyfriend – and he brought up Human Design. He’d told me about 2 years earlier, actually, and I even got a chart done. But it didn’t hit me then. I moved about 3 times during that time span, and of all the things I sold or gave away or threw away, I kept that chart with me. Which I find really funny now. He is a manifestor and he told me that he met another manifestor and how they got along. And as he told the story, something in me exploded with such a resonance, it was astounding. I knew that I had to look into it…that’s why I was there….why I left my sister’s. 

I spent the next 2 weeks before Christmas immersed in learning all I could about HD on line and through friend I met via youtube, John Martin. He is a projector too and he was immensely helpful in helping me along in those early days. I got my first reading from him, watched all his videos, called and wrote him. I was absorbing so much information at first. It was amazing and terrifying. And felt true! It explained so much to me about my life and how it had gone and where I was as a person. I felt so grateful to have found HD, truly. I felt found myself. But little did I know, I’d have to be lost again and again in this process. 

The first year was like taking so many things I thought about myself and crashing into a mountain like a plane out of control. Over and over, I’d watch myself be inauthentic and just WITNESS it. That’s all I could do at first. And that in itself was revelatory. “There I am trying to save face…there I go trying to be nice…oh shit I’m trying to get attention, again…oh hell, I just lied about the dumbest thing to prevent confrontation…” It was incredible. This was my life…even though I’d gone through therapy, new age groups, books, theories, practices, sweat lodges, meditation retreats —- arghhh! They were soothing and sweet…but not hitting the spot.

HD is a way to help you SEE what you were either unable or unwilling to SEE before. It is mechanical. The waiting…in the waiting you have plenty of time to SEE. By not talking or taking action, you have space to watch yourself and others. You see the posturing, the chaos, the trying, the pushing – you can see it. And it’s not pretty. But, God, is it amazing. HD is a way to see what we have been doing to ourselves as a species…all this pressure to be what??? Deluded, wasteful, disrespectful, harmful…the list goes on and on. In this blindness, you cannot truly see what a priviledge it is to simply BE here as a human being. Just to be on the planet, day to day, enjoying the gifts being here brings. The sun, the rain, the earth, the others, the water, the food…this place is magical and we don’t see it because we are too busy wanting and chasing. When you finally start to see, it’s overwhelmingly beautiful and sad.

1.5 YEARS IN – Stardate 7/8/10 1:08am

Where am I now? Confused, honestly. My mind is putting up a fight. It wants to go back – back to what is known and predictable. But guess what…that does not exist anymore. Will someone please tell my mind this??? There is no safety in the past. Everything I have done thus far leads me on my journey…and truth be told: I don’t know what that is. I do not. My design is a 6/2 splenic projector. Split (wide) with the 44-26 and 63-4. I have an undefined throat, g, solar plexus, root, sacral. Where do I start? Ha-ha. I feel like the focus of deconditioning moves around…right now it’s in the sacral, root and solar plexus. Lot’s to release from those centers. I feel the deconditioning physically, emotionally and mentally. I am angry, sad, pissed, irrational and lonely. Once you’re in the experiment, you realize there are very few people who “get” what you’re doing. I am lucky to have who I have (which now includes the sister I had the argument with – I love that!) But, the circles you moved in, the friends you had…it’s not the same. I ain’t gonna lie. It is not the same. And there are days I wish is was! My mind has really wanted to go back here lately. 

There are days I am so blue and confused, I honestly don’t want to be here anymore. I really feel that, but I realize I am, what to do. There is a lot of pressure on projectors. And it sucks. Ra says, “you have to master something…etc” Fuck, I am so confused about what that is…I just want a mindless job right now so that I can be confused for awhile!!! I mean, I spent 20 plus years as an actor/producer, and I’m not sure I’m supposed to continue this! Fuck! I need time to just BE. And unlike a generator, who can respond, in this time to just BE it’s pretty obvious that a whole lot of invitations won’t see me. Why? Because I am confused. I feel like I just need to allow myself to be confused…and why don’t we hear about this from a projector’s point of view? Not enough sharing from us. That’s what causes me to drop JAR – which is now Human Design Radio – it got to be really blah and not useful. It could be better now…must check it out.

Yes, I AM feeling the bitterness – along with so many other repressed emotions – and guess what, I am okay with that. In deconditioning, this has to come up and out of me. As one of my first spiritual teachers said, “you can’t put perfume on a turd.” I agree. So let’s expel this shit!

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So where was I…

entertaining myself, surely. Explaining myself, hardly. Cannot even imagine being able to do that…now. I used to try. Hilarious.

Good to see that people either get you or not. Truly. So much breath is wasted in trying to explain. Other than I’m sorry (or not), sometimes it’s good to just observe the truth of a situation and be with it. Allow what comes naturally. We are all the same and yet not all the same. To me, to try to explain this observation would go beyond the ability of any human ability, i.e. mine. Many have tried – philosophers, teachers, mathematicians, anthropologists, gurus, ascended masters, the barber, the bartender, etc…but let’s be honest: we do not have a definitive consensus, do we? We have ideas and opinions. As it should be. We are all so individual and unique. God bless that! Really. 

In this HD experience – I am becoming more and more naked. Mostly to myself. Then hopefully to others. I still hide though. I have a facade that is hard to shake. From childhood. It’s elusive, but with effort and awareness, I have been able to put a finger on it: I am terrified of rejection and being hurt by another human being. It started in childhood. Being pretty open (5 centers – sacral, solar plexus, root, G and throat undefined) and growing up in a volatile, alcohol-fueled home, I learned early to STOP being vulnerable to pain. Act like nothing bothers you. Act like everything is okay. Don’t let the perps know that they got to you. Great plan…except a nice, tight facade also has the potential to block other things, too…like intimacy. Well damn. Good on paper…and in practice for a while. But practice makes perfect and decades later, it’s still hard to penetrate the tactics that keep one “safe”. 

Safe. The world is NOT a safe place. Face it. No one gets out alive, so you may as well live while you’re here. Bodies walk around all the time in a daze…unaware…asleep…on remote control. Doing what they think they need to do. What others think they should do. What their mind thinks they should do. I was one. I THOUGHT I was aware. I was in the freaking program – trying to make it in this world. But, save a few things I loved and did as they came to me naturally, I was towing a line that did not belong to me. Trying to be what I was not.

Here’s the funny thing, the basic knowledge of HD is nearly verbatim the shit I used to write about in my journal for over 10 years: that’s what made the GONG resonate so much. I knew I was not like the majority…as much as I tried. I gave myself shit for that…for not being able to have the energy or ability to manifest like others. We are not the same. The beauty of that is astounding. Once you know HD, and more specifically, your own design, you see how wonderfully freeing it is. But, as Ra says, “human design is easy, but not simple.” Why? Well, considering reversing the “conditioning” of a lifetime. Try taking what you are “thinking” about yourself and others and crashing that plane in the side of a mountain over and over (better known as shattering the mind’s concepts). Dare to allow life to come to you in the way you are designed as opposed to “going after it”. It is not easy. At all. But is it worth it? Absolutely. Over time, you begin to see the difference. The benefit of working with the flow, instead of against it. Amazing. Resistance is a MF on the human body and psyche. As you get older, it’s so much more obvious. 

UP NEXT…my funny story of finding HD. Well, it’s not that funny. It was painful, actually. But, I’m learning pain is a good indicator that your being is out of accord with yourself. Needless to say, I took my first steps as MY SELF before I knew HD. I took a leap – because I just fucking had to. I fell off the ledge and landed in my own authority.

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Hello world!

Well…finally I am blogging. Ah yes, a place to share some stuff. Life experiences.

I imagine my main audience may be those who are aware of or in their own Human Design (HD) experiment – truly a life wake up call. If you got bitch slapped by serendipity by being introduced and succumbing to HD, then you know what I mean. As Ra (the guy got bitch slapped first) says, “it’s not for the faint hearted”. It’s for those who have finally gotten to the point in their lives where they KNOW they are not living the truth of themselves. And, they’re not willing to settle anymore. Or maybe you’re one of the innocents who didn’t have to be dragged through the mud of life kicking and screaming to your wake up (I’m envious). What does all this mean exactly? Ah jeez, to answer that may take a while. IF you are not introduced to HD, got to http://www.jovianarchive.com and you can get a quick hit of basic info. Enough to help you decide or feel or sense whether it resonates with you. 

If you are into HD…then I start with a little history and where I am in this experiment. 1.5 years in – and that, my friends, has flown by! Being a projector, it’s hilarious to me now that IT found ME. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I didn’t go looking. Oh god, I have been a seeker all my life (gate 56 in personality earth).  And I found so much that kinda got me where I wanted to go – in a spiritual, “why are we here” sense. Some stuff sorta kind of explained the “knowing” (design) I’ve had underneath the personality that I exhibit and know well on the surface. The study and dabbling in religions, Buddhism, various therapies, new age workshops and books, treks, dropping out of society, esoteric studies, quantum healing/science/mechanics, psychics, readings, etc. I mean I was looking. Bits and pieces made some sense…chords were struck, but the big gong had not gone off  like, “whoa…yes, THIS is the deal.” 

Then in late 07 I was like, fuck it. I gave up…thankfully. I was hitting the wall everywhere, though…work, personal life, family life. I could not put my finger on what to do, where to go, who to be with. Nothing was making sense to me. The world did not make sense to me…and boy did I want it to. Being mid-life, you could say it was a crisis. However this crisis has been going on since my early 30′s when I got divorced. Being 6/2 I can verify, being on the roof is intense. You literally look at the whole shebang and want to abandon it. Then you want to try to engage it. Then you hate it again. Christ. I’m still in that dance. I am hoping this blog and sharing the experience helps me through it. (I will come off the roof one month after 2012. Pressure? Ha. I think a little bit.) 

I love destiny, though. I love reviewing my life and seeing how HD explains so much. I freaking love that this knowledge came into the world in 1987 when I was made a big leap out of an old life into a new one. I think if it had not found me, I’d probably be certifiable or dead or still fucking shit up.

To be continued…

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