It was another major fight with my sister, whom I dearly love. But when we got on the other side of each other - whew – it could get intense. And the truth was, it just felt like a misunderstanding. Both of us misunderstanding the other. It was so disheartening. Everytime. It’s a worldwide dilemma: misunderstanding. At one point during the argument, I looked across the room and thought, “my God, she does not know me at all”. I was just shocked into that realization. It was a moment that stood still – as if to say, “pay attention to this”. And I did.
I was staying with her at the time, and after the argument, I knew that come what may, I couldn’t any longer. Even though I was financially vulnerable, I had to go…for me and for her. I had to understand why I felt so misunderstood.
Taking leaps are scary…but man when you know you should, you just have to trust. I lept and where I landed was so gracious to me. Almost as if it was waiting for me. A wonderful couple with a small child was renting their studio apartment – and I saw it on craigslist. Immediately I was like – “that’s the one”! And I got it with little to no fuss. Given that my credit is currently rocky, I felt incredibly fortunate. Not only did I get the studio, the couple asked me to house sit for them for a half month before I moved in. It was truly a heaven sent invitation. And I didn’t even know yet…
Once in their home, while they were away, I was talking to a dear friend of mine – ex-boyfriend – and he brought up Human Design. He’d told me about 2 years earlier, actually, and I even got a chart done. But it didn’t hit me then. I moved about 3 times during that time span, and of all the things I sold or gave away or threw away, I kept that chart with me. Which I find really funny now. He is a manifestor and he told me that he met another manifestor and how they got along. And as he told the story, something in me exploded with such a resonance, it was astounding. I knew that I had to look into it…that’s why I was there….why I left my sister’s.
I spent the next 2 weeks before Christmas immersed in learning all I could about HD on line and through friend I met via youtube, John Martin. He is a projector too and he was immensely helpful in helping me along in those early days. I got my first reading from him, watched all his videos, called and wrote him. I was absorbing so much information at first. It was amazing and terrifying. And felt true! It explained so much to me about my life and how it had gone and where I was as a person. I felt so grateful to have found HD, truly. I felt found myself. But little did I know, I’d have to be lost again and again in this process.
The first year was like taking so many things I thought about myself and crashing into a mountain like a plane out of control. Over and over, I’d watch myself be inauthentic and just WITNESS it. That’s all I could do at first. And that in itself was revelatory. “There I am trying to save face…there I go trying to be nice…oh shit I’m trying to get attention, again…oh hell, I just lied about the dumbest thing to prevent confrontation…” It was incredible. This was my life…even though I’d gone through therapy, new age groups, books, theories, practices, sweat lodges, meditation retreats —- arghhh! They were soothing and sweet…but not hitting the spot.
HD is a way to help you SEE what you were either unable or unwilling to SEE before. It is mechanical. The waiting…in the waiting you have plenty of time to SEE. By not talking or taking action, you have space to watch yourself and others. You see the posturing, the chaos, the trying, the pushing – you can see it. And it’s not pretty. But, God, is it amazing. HD is a way to see what we have been doing to ourselves as a species…all this pressure to be what??? Deluded, wasteful, disrespectful, harmful…the list goes on and on. In this blindness, you cannot truly see what a priviledge it is to simply BE here as a human being. Just to be on the planet, day to day, enjoying the gifts being here brings. The sun, the rain, the earth, the others, the water, the food…this place is magical and we don’t see it because we are too busy wanting and chasing. When you finally start to see, it’s overwhelmingly beautiful and sad.
1.5 YEARS IN – Stardate 7/8/10 1:08am
Where am I now? Confused, honestly. My mind is putting up a fight. It wants to go back – back to what is known and predictable. But guess what…that does not exist anymore. Will someone please tell my mind this??? There is no safety in the past. Everything I have done thus far leads me on my journey…and truth be told: I don’t know what that is. I do not. My design is a 6/2 splenic projector. Split (wide) with the 44-26 and 63-4. I have an undefined throat, g, solar plexus, root, sacral. Where do I start? Ha-ha. I feel like the focus of deconditioning moves around…right now it’s in the sacral, root and solar plexus. Lot’s to release from those centers. I feel the deconditioning physically, emotionally and mentally. I am angry, sad, pissed, irrational and lonely. Once you’re in the experiment, you realize there are very few people who “get” what you’re doing. I am lucky to have who I have (which now includes the sister I had the argument with – I love that!) But, the circles you moved in, the friends you had…it’s not the same. I ain’t gonna lie. It is not the same. And there are days I wish is was! My mind has really wanted to go back here lately.
There are days I am so blue and confused, I honestly don’t want to be here anymore. I really feel that, but I realize I am, what to do. There is a lot of pressure on projectors. And it sucks. Ra says, “you have to master something…etc” Fuck, I am so confused about what that is…I just want a mindless job right now so that I can be confused for awhile!!! I mean, I spent 20 plus years as an actor/producer, and I’m not sure I’m supposed to continue this! Fuck! I need time to just BE. And unlike a generator, who can respond, in this time to just BE it’s pretty obvious that a whole lot of invitations won’t see me. Why? Because I am confused. I feel like I just need to allow myself to be confused…and why don’t we hear about this from a projector’s point of view? Not enough sharing from us. That’s what causes me to drop JAR – which is now Human Design Radio – it got to be really blah and not useful. It could be better now…must check it out.
Yes, I AM feeling the bitterness – along with so many other repressed emotions – and guess what, I am okay with that. In deconditioning, this has to come up and out of me. As one of my first spiritual teachers said, “you can’t put perfume on a turd.” I agree. So let’s expel this shit!